June 2017

Almost every day, at some point, I end up begging you to fall asleep. And every day as soon as you fall asleep I miss you. This journey of motherhood has been a crazy one and it has tested me in ways I couldn’t have even dreamed of and yet here we are, three peas in a pod and I am in total bliss when I am with my little family. 

Six months old. You are SITTING UP. BY YOURSELF. You want to be independent so bad. The second you realized you had power over yourself and your body I saw a huge change in you and I realized a few things. 

One is that I cannot cage a bird that wishes to be free. Though you are so little I can already see how determined and fiercely independent you are, baby girl. Not to mention you have Sagittarius all over your natal chart, I mean, hello. That’s something I’m gonna have to prepare for because you may very well be the complete opposite of me. 

Two, I realized I didn’t choose to have you. YOU chose to be HERE. You made your way into this world so you could live your beautiful life and who knows how many times you have lived before. You are an old soul, this I know. 

Three, no matter how much you may outgrow my arms, and then my lap and then the rest of me you will always be my baby girl, and this is something I have always heard people say but now I understand. I will always protect you. I will always put you first and I will always be your rock. You have given me immeasurable purpose. You have brought color into this bleak and tasteless world. You are the light where the sun doesn’t shine. 

I love being your mama. I have so much in my head. I am still young and have not really experienced the world, truly, at all. If I’m lucky I’ve lived roughly a quarter of my life. The world became much more scary when you were born. You are so new from heaven and I thought I’d been here long enough to understand the gravity that is having a child but I absolutely have not. It is terrifying to think that all of the things I have known and felt and how deeply I have felt them, but not until now. Knowing you, too will have to struggle one day. Then I think, maybe I’m thinking too much. I just want to show you all of the beautiful things and hold your hand through them all. 

3 Months Old

  • You always have your hands in your mouth
  • You’re learning how to grab at your toys
  • You stick your little tongue out all the time
  • Your favorite toy is the little blue light up octopus
  • You like to hold on to your blanket when you sleep
  • You make silly faces and smile and laugh at everything
  • You’re so happy in the morning (unlike me)


One year ago (on Feb. 29…there isn’t one of those this year) I saw that little smiley face for the first time. This told me that I was ovulating that day, and it was time to start trying to get pregnant. I remember that feeling, it was pure elation, anxiety and terror. I wondered how many months I would have to try, or if the father would change his mind, or if this would be quick and easy, or if it would work at all. So many feelings combined into one big feeling of excitement. 

(Sorry in advance if this is TMI, to whoever may be reading)

We inseminated 5 days in a row. I would wake up and be so excited to see that smiley face again and again, trusting my body and being so aware of how real the whole process was. I remember clutching my silver fertility goddess amulet in my fists and praying over her. I wanted a baby so badly, more than anything I have ever wanted in my life, and I finally had a shot in the dark. 

The days following the final insemination were longer than hell. I think I may have been creating symptoms just so I could spend all my time on Google, tricking myself into believing everything was a very, very early sign of pregnancy. I knew there was no way of telling but I needed something to hold on to. I compulsively checked my email, waiting for the reproduction clinic to let me know if we could move our appointment up just in case this didn’t work, and so on and so forth. I was obsessed, to say the very least. I bought several boxes of pregnancy tests and took almost all of them. I knew they would be negative and there was no way anything would show if it were too early. I took them anyway.

On March 13th around 2pm (I’m telling you, I was obsessed) I was drained. I had been losing sleep for a little over a week thinking about nothing but the inner workings of my body, what the hell was going on in there? My arm is kinda numb, does that mean I’m pregnant? Wait, what in the hell? Google it anyway. 

Allie and I got into an argument. I was so emotional. She couldn’t deal with it (and I don’t blame her) and I knew her entire family was about to come over and I wouldn’t be able to face a single one of them. She left the house to run to the gas station and probably get the hell away from me and I went upstairs to our bathroom and I cried. There was one pregnancy test left in our cabinet and I said fuck it. Why not disappoint myself again?

I peed on the stick. I waited a few minutes. I couldn’t look. I didn’t want to. But of course, I did. I got ready to study the hell out of it like I always did, but this time, the faintest second line in the world had appeared, and I think my heart may have actually stopped. My hands began to shake. I couldn’t take my eyes off of it. I always imagined how I would act when I found out I was pregnant, and I always thought there would be tears and smiles and euphoria. Instead, I almost broke my neck to turn and stare at myself in the mirror, I was looking for confirmation, reassurance, anything at all from my reflection but she looked terrified and I didn’t know what the hell I was doing or thinking but god damnit I think I’m pregnant. 

I called Allie and I said “babe, I think I just got a positive pregnancy test, I need you to come home now.” There wasn’t happiness in my voice. I don’t even think I smiled. It was that huge. It was that surreal. I was in shock and denial. I took maybe 20 at home pregnancy tests. I am so serious. I didn’t believe it for weeks, but then I was nauseous. My boobs hurt. I was exhausted. And then, in the midst of that first trimester hell, I was in bliss. I saw the first ultrasound, I heard her heartbeat, and that sound comes second only to hearing her cry for the first time. I still cannot believe it. I cannot understand how I got so lucky, and I know that sounds cliche, but it’s true. This baby girl is the center of my world. She was so anticipated for so many years of my life, and she certainly didn’t disappoint…she’s the happiest, sweetest most beautiful little angel and I thank God for her every day. God is not someone I talked to before I found out about her. I knew nothing of God before I became a mother. Now I can’t understand how he couldn’t have had something to do with her. 

The point of this story, is that my life changed one year ago at just the thought of having a baby. Just that tiny glimmer of hope in the fact that I saw a smiley face on a stick because it meant my dreams may soon come true, or they may not. Either way, I was along for the ride, and it’s truly been the ride of my life.