Why am I so concerned with how others perceive me? This cyclical, toxic way of thinking has been engrained in me since childhood. I feel so emotionally inept at times when I realize my mental processes toward myself have not evolved like I have in so many other ways. Confidence for me is sporadic and often short lived, because I have become an expert at explaining to myself why I shouldn’t feel good or worthy. Every positive thought has the potential to be neutralized by a negative and so the story goes. As well as I can detect the gray areas in life, it’s still surprising to me how much of a very “all or nothing” individual I am. Anything in between is confusing. Why do I feel like I must be pretty, smart and nice? Those are the things I always felt came first, and now reading back on that last sentence, those things seem to be prioritized by importance. Pretty. I can remember so clearly the times I felt inadequate to my peers. I moved to a new town and started a new school in 6th grade. I had left my best friends behind and I didn’t know anyone. I can remember being called Sasquatch, hearing that some girl had gossiped about my belly hanging out, hearing that some girl was poking fun at my acne. I was so unaware that my appearance was so disturbing to others to the point where they had to mention it to somebody else. On one hand I think, “it’s literally been 15 years since these incidents” and on the other I think, “but it has shaped my entire perception of myself”. Why did I let these strangers dictate what was right or wrong about how I looked? Recently I looked back at pictures from when I was 12, 13, 14 and could see how much I changed each year. To fit others visions of how a girl should look. I saw myself go from Limited Too to Abercrombie and it was sad. There was nothing wrong with me but I felt so out of place. The mind is a powerful thing in the way that you will always believe what you tell yourself. I didn’t say the words “you are ugly” but my heart felt what I was doing to myself. Some words don’t need to be spoken. All of that being said, it is NOT anyone else’s fault that I am self conscious. Those kids were fighting and projecting their own insecurities, and I can’t blame anyone for what they did or said when they were a kid. God knows I’ve said some terrible things myself. I am the one who let these feelings carry on into adulthood. The problem isn’t other people, it’s me. It’s how I let myself feel and what I let myself see. A lot of times I’m not too sure how I feel on the inside and I think that has an impact on my ever-changing opinions on my appearance. Do I think I’m ugly? No. Do I think I have a nice body? Not really. Does my body serve its purpose? Yes. Could I treat it better? Definitely.

Growing up and being a parent has given me the gift of cherishing time. It is fleeting and it is a luxury many are not awarded for long. In my 25 years I have experienced great love and great loss, as every person must. My child will go through the trials and tribulations of life, it is inevitable. How does a mother prepare herself for guiding her children through pain that cannot be soothed? When I look at my daughter all I see is beauty and I feel a sting in my heart because one day she will go to school and someone will make her feel bad. I have to give her the tools to shape her own perception of who she is so that others do not do it for her. To give this to my child I have to first discover these tools for myself.

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June 2017

Almost every day, at some point, I end up begging you to fall asleep. And every day as soon as you fall asleep I miss you. This journey of motherhood has been a crazy one and it has tested me in ways I couldn’t have even dreamed of and yet here we are, three peas in a pod and I am in total bliss when I am with my little family. 

Six months old. You are SITTING UP. BY YOURSELF. You want to be independent so bad. The second you realized you had power over yourself and your body I saw a huge change in you and I realized a few things. 

One is that I cannot cage a bird that wishes to be free. Though you are so little I can already see how determined and fiercely independent you are, baby girl. Not to mention you have Sagittarius all over your natal chart, I mean, hello. That’s something I’m gonna have to prepare for because you may very well be the complete opposite of me. 

Two, I realized I didn’t choose to have you. YOU chose to be HERE. You made your way into this world so you could live your beautiful life and who knows how many times you have lived before. You are an old soul, this I know. 

Three, no matter how much you may outgrow my arms, and then my lap and then the rest of me you will always be my baby girl, and this is something I have always heard people say but now I understand. I will always protect you. I will always put you first and I will always be your rock. You have given me immeasurable purpose. You have brought color into this bleak and tasteless world. You are the light where the sun doesn’t shine. 

I love being your mama. I have so much in my head. I am still young and have not really experienced the world, truly, at all. If I’m lucky I’ve lived roughly a quarter of my life. The world became much more scary when you were born. You are so new from heaven and I thought I’d been here long enough to understand the gravity that is having a child but I absolutely have not. It is terrifying to think that all of the things I have known and felt and how deeply I have felt them, but not until now. Knowing you, too will have to struggle one day. Then I think, maybe I’m thinking too much. I just want to show you all of the beautiful things and hold your hand through them all. 

3 Months Old

  • You always have your hands in your mouth
  • You’re learning how to grab at your toys
  • You stick your little tongue out all the time
  • Your favorite toy is the little blue light up octopus
  • You like to hold on to your blanket when you sleep
  • You make silly faces and smile and laugh at everything
  • You’re so happy in the morning (unlike me)